What brought me here

Two years ago, I walked in on my husband watching pornography, years after he’d explicitly agreed not to use porn any more. I’d told him multiple times that his porn usage made me feel less-than; each time we talked about it, he agreed to stop using porn. The discovery that he’d been lying to me for the entirety of the time I’d known him was the most damaging thing.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to talk to. I felt lost and completely alone.

Obviously, I needed to do something different than simply telling him I didn’t want him to use porn and trusting that he would act on it; I had tried that multiple times, and he just got better at hiding it and lying about it. But I didn’t know what steps to take to improve how I felt about my husband or how to make myself feel better after this deep intimate betrayal.

I hit the ol’ Google to find DIY resources to help me deal with the fallout of my partner’s porn addiction, but so many of the resources I found focused on religion.

I appreciate and honor that a lot of people’s objections to porn use center around their faith and spirituality, and that many folks find religion comforting when they’re most troubled. But I am not religious – I’m an atheist – and I found it annoying and alienating to have to “eat around” religious-oriented content to find the help I needed to re-center myself and feel whole again.

I decided to be the change I wanted to see and create resources for the people who want to know how to begin healing from their intimate betrayal trauma but don’t want to work around religious references or reasoning. Anyone can use this guide, but it will focus on secular solutions for non-religious partners.

I have, for two years, walked the path of healing and re-centering from my husband’s betrayal of me, and I continue to gain insights that empower me to live my best life in the wake of one of the most challenging experiences I’ve ever had. I want to share my experience with you.

What brought you here?

  • Are you unhappy about your partner’s use of porn, but you’ve been called insecure, jealous, or controlling for feeling that way?
  • Have you been led to believe that your partner’s use of porn (and your unhappiness about it) is your problem, not his?
  • Have you ever wished you could just “be OK” with your partner’s porn use but haven’t been able to achieve that feeling?
  • Has your partner’s porn use escalated over time? Maybe you used to be OK with occasional porn use, but now he uses OnlyFans, Instagram, dating sites, or other more personal outlets that make you feel less-than. Or maybe he’s using it more than you had previously realized.
  • Is your partner’s porn use adversely affecting your sex life? Does he have trouble maintaining an erection during sex? Need porn to get or stay hard? Does he refuse sex with you but still masturbates to porn regularly? Does he treat you as if you are a masturbation tool, having disconnected sex with you that doesn’t feel fulfilling or intimate to you? Does he say porny things during partnered sex with you or try to recreate scenarios and positions you’re pretty sure he saw in porn?
  • Has your partner told you’re would stop using porn, but you’ve found out he never stopped, and has been lying to you about his use?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, you’re in the right place. You can’t change your partner’s relationship with porn, but you can change your responses to your partner, whether or not he is amenable to changing his habits and behaviors. You can feel empowered and whole. You can overcome the trauma of being partnered with someone who has an unhealthy relationship with porn.

The good news

Part of my vision for this blog is to share my learnings of the last two years and the discoveries and epiphanies I still experience as I actively work toward finding my most authentic, resilient center.

I thought I would never feel good or happy or whole or enough, ever again.

You know what? Most days, I do. I feel better and happier and more whole and enough than I ever have in my fifty years on this earth.

I want to share with you how I started moving through the betrayal trauma and stepped onto the path I am taking to feel better than I’ve felt my whole life. I want to hold your hand as you discover how to do this for yourself.

You cannot control or change your partner, but you can control and change yourself, which gives you immense freedom to pen your story from now on. You got this. I believe in you.