Month: January 2023

Things to do when you’re feeling intense and raw

January 24, 2023 / Pamela Houston

When you’ve just discovered your partner has been lying to you about their porn or sex addiction – this discovery is often called “d-day” – you’re likely to feel intensely hurt, angry, or sad. These extremely raw feelings can be tough to regulate in the moment. I remember, especially in the first six to nine months after d-day, that these feelings would flare up like a wildfire, and they often felt equally hard to contain. Sometimes I was in such high emotion that I felt crazy.

It doesn’t happen as often for me now that I have some healing under my belt and the passage of time has done its thing. I’ve built out a kit with a number of self-soothing tools to enable me to move through the burning flames of my most intense feelings to a place closer to my center, and I’d like to share some of those tools with you for when your feelings are most raw and painful.

Remember that the intensity of these feelings is temporary.

Remind yourself of this every time the feelings start spinning up. Every. Time. Remind yourself as often as you need to. Make it your mantra and say it out loud if you need to:

This is temporary. I will not always feel this intensely. This pain will not always feel this raw.

In the moment’s intensity, this may not feel true, but I promise you, it is. All things and feelings, good or bad, are temporary. If you let them pass in their own time, they will.

You will not always feel as profoundly and keenly pained as you do in this moment. The feeling will subside. It may not go away entirely, but it will not always feel this terrible, this paralyzing, as it does when it’s most intense. Pinky promise.

Ground yourself in the present moment

The most intense feelings from my betrayal trauma are often rooted in the past or the future, but usually not in the present moment. I get triggered thinking about my husband’s past behaviors and feel intense anger or sadness. Or I get caught up in fears about the future – what if he does it to me again? What if I find out he’s hiding it better and lying about it again? What if, what if, what if…

By rooting myself in the present moment, I turn away from the unchangeable past and the unknowable future, and I focus on what I can do for myself right here, right now, in the present moment.

Returning to the present moment doesn’t wipe away my feelings and make things A-OK immediately. I still feel the feelings, but the intensity sometimes comes down when I bring myself back to the present, and that often gives me the space to figure out what I need to do next.

There are myriad ways of grounding yourself in the present moment. I’ve listed a few I like to use below.

Meditation

I’ve been Buddhish for almost twenty years, so when my therapist recommended I re-engage with meditation, it was a familiar place.

Meditation has been a hot topic in the mainstream for many years and can be used to address emotional distress. If you have a vision of hours of cross-legged sitting humming “Om,” think again. A meditation practice doesn’t have to be that much of a thing.

When I’m in high distress, I prefer guided meditations. Sometimes I like to find a reflection to address the particular emotion I’m feeling – anger, for instance. Other times, a self-compassion meditation fits the bill.

If you have trouble meditating with your eyes closed or following your breath or the guiding voice in a guided meditation, try lighting a candle and placing it before you. Focus your attention on the flickering candle flame to keep you engaged with your meditation.

Even 60 seconds of focus on your breath, the soft voice of a compassionate meditation guide, or another object of focus can bring you back to the present moment and to a place where you can begin moving through the intensity of your feelings.

I have enjoyed using Headspace for meditation and Calm for sleep stories and immersive sounds while I’m meditating. My favorite meditation app – loaded with tons of free content from meditation thought leaders – is Insight Timer.

Other grounding exercises

Try these shorter exercises if launching a meditation practice feels like too much commitment.

Literal grounding

Close your eyes. Notice your body where you are sitting or lying. Notice every point where a part of your body touches something else (your hand resting on your leg, your bottom pressed into the chair’s cushion). Scan your body and the physical sensations you’re experiencing: the warmth in your cheeks from your heightened emotions, your quickened heartbeat, the feelings of your breath in and out of your nose, the sensations of your body in contact with furniture or the floor. Place your feet on the floor and feel them connecting with the ground if possible. You’re literally grounding yourself here, as if your feet are the roots of a great tree, rooted in the physical present. Stay in this moment, grounded and present, as long as you need to.

Grounding yourself with your senses

Notice your space. Find and name five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can feel, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. The combination of counting and finding things brings me sharply back into the present moment.

Another exercise I like is to close my eyes and listen, then name all the different sounds I can hear. Right now, I can hear the whoosh of the furnace fan, my husband clicking on a spreadsheet he’s working on for work, and the sounds of my keystrokes as I write this. My dog is snoring. I am aware of what is happening in the space I inhabit. I am fully present in my physical space, and my emotional state is more manageable when I am entirely in the present moment.

Take care of yourself

Self-care can take many forms, and what you find helpful depends on what makes you feel calm, safe, and content.

Self-compassion

Despite what I just said about self-care being variable, self-compassion is a universal need. Every person is worthy of feeling self-compassion.

People who are hurting need to express self-compassion and kindness toward themselves. Practicing being gentle with yourself when you are in pain is a critical skill to refine as you learn to bring yourself back to a center where you feel comfortable with yourself and your feelings. This will give you the power of self-validation, an invaluable tool in centering yourself regardless of what your significant other does or doesn’t do.

When you feel shitty or crazy or heartbroken or full of rage or any other raw, intense emotion because of your partner’s porn addiction behaviors and lies, treat yourself as kindly as you would a beloved friend or family member experiencing the same feelings of betrayal.

If someone you loved was experiencing the feelings you’re feeling right now, you wouldn’t tell them to suck it up, get over it, or brush it to the side and carry on. You would let that loved person cry on your shoulder and vent their feelings. You would hug them (or hold them tenderly in your thoughts if they’re not the hugging type). You would hear them and validate their feelings and offer them comfort.

Do the same things for yourself. You may not love yourself as much as you love your beloved friend or family member, but try. You are worthy of self-love. You are worthy of gentle kindness when you’re feeling difficult feelings. Hold space for yourself. Be compassionate toward yourself.

Kristin Neff is an expert on cultivating self-compassion in an unforgiving world. I strongly recommend her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” if you’d like to explore more about building your self-compassion skill.

Feel your feelings

This is another universal one. I think it’s a human impulse to want to run away from unpleasant feelings or to brush them aside and hope they’ll go away if they’re out of sight.

Resist this urge.

Soak in it. Sit in that feeling. Sit with it. Let it be what it’s going to be, for as long as it needs to be. Create room for it. Acknowledge the feeling – identify it and figure out where it came from, if possible – but even if you can’t figure out where it’s coming from, accept that the feeling is with you, and then embrace it if you can.

I envision a little room in my heart where this Feeling can hang out while it sorts itself out. My visualization includes a comfy little chair for the Feeling and a side table where it sets its teacup. The Feeling may also have access to a little ottoman so it can put up its feet if needed, and a rug to really tie the room together.

Don’t worry – the Feeling won’t move in permanently if you create space for it. I was always afraid that it would stay forever if I let it make itself too much at home, but I have found that these challenging feelings actually go away faster if I create a space for them and let them run their course than if I try to brush them aside and pretend that I’m feeling OK.

I have discovered that if I let the feeling be what it is for as long as it needs to, it usually only takes a couple of days to resolve and vacate – on its own. When I was more in the habit of brushing away uncomfortable feelings, it sometimes seemed like the feeling had gone away, but it would then rush up later at unexpected times, having been simmering away inside me unresolved, festering and growing larger and messier than it was in the first place.

Trust me, feel the feelings. Accept them. Visualize riding a wave as the feelings wash over you. Keep your head above water with meditation, self-care, and the tactics below, but don’t try to outswim the pain. Stay with it; let it be what it needs to be. After decades of unsuccessfully rug-sweeping my uncomfortable feelings, I promise this is the better way.

Process the feelings

It may be helpful for you to start processing the feelings as you’re feeling them.

Identify and name what you’re feeling.

A feelings wheel can help you narrow down the nuances of what you’re feeling. Did you know that anger is usually a secondary emotion?

Identify what caused the feeling to arise in you.

Did your partner say something insensitive? Is your partner not making you feel heard? Did you trigger yourself with a thought from the past?

Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, try to figure out what stirred up the emotion you’re experiencing. What will help you address the root cause of these complicated feelings? Consider what you can do to help soothe these feelings and what steps you can take to tend to the problem that created these emotions in you.

Journal

I’ve kept a journal, off and on, for decades. I have a terrible memory, so writing things down helps me keep an accurate record of what has happened. Tracking disagreements can be helpful if your partner is prone to gaslighting you. Writing about what I’m feeling can help me identify the why and what my next steps to take care of myself should be. Keeping a journal enables me to reread how I moved through previous intense emotional situations and gives me an anchor when I’m feeling raw and crazy. Even intermittently, I’ve found keeping a journal exceptionally helpful in my journey beyond d-day.

Spend time with someone you trust

I didn’t have friends when I discovered my husband had lied to me for our entire relationship. I had turned all my attention inward to my husband and kids, and hadn’t maintained friendships. I felt utterly alone on d-day and for several months afterward until I could build a network of friendly people as my external support system.

If you don’t have people you trust, start building that network. I made mine by joining private groups run by local Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs). I grew very close to some of the other women in those groups and am friends with them now. Until I grew those friendships, my CSAT, whom I saw individually, helped me process some of my most uncomfortable emotions.

If you have friends and family you can share your emotional distress with, know that you don’t have to tell them everything that is happening to ask for comfort. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing that your partner is a porn addict or sex addict, that’s OK. You can express the feelings you’re having and ask for comfort, an ear, or whatever it is you want them to provide. You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t wish to. What you disclose and to whom is entirely up to you.

In the US, if you feel suicidal, you can text or call 988 to access the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It’s open 24 hours and it’s free. Here’s what to expect when you call a hotline.

Distract yourself

If you aren’t ready to process your feelings and they’re too intense to sit with, distract yourself, preferably with something pleasant that doesn’t tax you. This is where self-care gets quite specific and individual. Here are some ideas that have worked for me in the past.

Take a bath – A long soak with luxurious bubbles, a candle, and a book, podcast, or show often helps me feel more relaxed and together.
Play a game – Immersing myself in Animal Crossing or a Pokemon game sometimes helps me feel more chill.
Binge a show – Two or five episodes of a gripping show can sometimes help knock down the intensity of a feeling.
Take a walk or have a workout – Exercise increases the levels of happy chemicals in your brain, including serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Plus, you get the stress-reducing benefits of endorphins (and Vitamin D if you walk outside – wear sunscreen, though!).
Put on some loud music and dance it out See above.
Meditate or do some mindfulness exercises – Also see above.
Be creative – If you have a hobby, throwing yourself into a project can take your mind off the intensity of your distress.
Throw ice cubes – Yeah, seriously. Take a cupful of ice cubes outside and smash them on the pavement (out of walkways or other places smashed ice could be problematic). Sometimes when you’re angry, it feels good to break something.
Go out with friends – Have a date with yourself and your besties.
Go out by yourself – Take yourself on a date. You are your own best company!
Do anything you like when you’re not in distress– Bonus points if it is healthy and non-self-destructive. For example, you can be forgiven for drinking about your feelings, but ultimately, getting drunk about a problem isn’t going to fix it and may make you feel worse about it. To the extent possible, distract yourself in non-toxic ways – it’s kinder to yourself. But if your cope isn’t exactly healthy, try not to give yourself too hard a time about it. This shit is hard, and you’re in the thick of it. See above about self-compassion.

So, in summary, when you’re feeling so crazy you wanna tear your hair out, so angry that you want to punch a hole in the wall, or so sad that you just want to curl into a little ball and stop existing, first remind yourself that the intensity of these feelings is temporary. Try to stay in the present moment, experience the emotion as fully as you can tolerate, and be gentle with yourself until the intensity of the feeling has dimmed enough for you to manage it. Ride the wave each time the challenging feeling swells up. The seas will calm, and you will be in a better place to figure out what to do next. You got this.

My intimate betrayal trauma story, annotated

January 22, 2023 / Pamela Houston

Have your partner’s porn habits caused you to believe you’ll never feel good or happy or whole or enough? I want to take your hand for this journey you’re embarking on and show you that you can feel good and happy and whole and enough again, regardless of whether or not your partner admits they have an addiction or is willing to address the issue actively.

My d-day (discovery day, which set me down this path) was in January 2020. My husband (let’s call him Alex) and I had been married for five years and together for eight. It was my third marriage and what I considered my healthiest relationship ever.

The discovery of Alex’s porn use (and the extent of it – it was very much a “tip of the iceberg” situation) devastated me. I didn’t know what to do.

Good resources can be hard to find. Porn addiction is a controversial subject. Porn use is so normalized that partners are often ridiculed, labeled insecure, or accused of being controlling, sex-negative prudes if they reveal that they aren’t OK with their partner using porn.

Another problem I encountered was that many of the resources I found online centered around religion, which does not work for me as an atheist.

It was hard to find resources that addressed my needs.

When I couldn’t find secular, sex-positive resources that fit my situation, I made an SOS post in an advice forum for people whose partners have chosen porn over them. I want to share the story of what happened when I discovered, for the fourth time, that my husband had broken the boundary of “no live porn,” to which he’d agreed several times.

Re-reading my story after two years of recovery work for both of us, I realized how naive I was back then, how little I knew.

I want to share my story with you, but I want to annotate the things that jump out at me now, two years later.

How it started

I caught my husband last night. Again. First time in years that I’ve caught him red-handed. The last time I did, years ago, I made my boundaries clear (masturbation is fine, erotica is acceptable, drawn porn is okayish – just not real porn with real people). He agreed to that.

There were instances in the years between d-day #3 and d-day #4 where I thought Alex had been using porn, but he was so incredibly good at switching to another window or putting his device face-down when I walked in the room that I questioned whether I had actuallyseen what I thought I’d seen. On the rare occasion I asked him about it, he always explained away, and I took him at his word.

“Gaslighting” is a term you often see on self-help and relationship-oriented forums, often incorrectly used. Merriam-Webster defines gaslihting as,

“psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability…”

Alex had spent the majority of our relationship gaslighting me into thinking he honored how I felt about his using porn within our monogamous relationship. I did not know, at the time, that gaslighting is abuse.

This is our fourth major blowout about porn in eight years. I think [Alex] has largely abided by the agreement from the last blow-up – he has admitted (now, this morning) to 4-5 times, though I suspect it’s been more than that, so I think he may still be lying to himself and me. I occasionally have gut feelings, but I hate how checking up on him makes me feel, so I have ignored those feelings and thrown myself into trying to engage him more.

Alex had not, in fact, abided by the agreement I thought we had made. He was a daily porn user, multiple times a day. He hid it so well that I had no idea what the realities of his interior life and external behavior were.

Each time I had talked with Alex about how his porn use made me feel, he made me feel heard and said he could and would stop using pornography. He has since told me that he gave it a half-hearted effort for a week or two each time we came to an agreement, but then slipped right back into the same compulsive sexual behaviors, which escalated over time. He said to himself that what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me, another lie he told himself even as he was lying to me.

Now, back to the story:

Our sex life is good, though maybe not as often as he would like – several times a week on good weeks, once a week on bad weeks. We both initiate. I have not noticed any ill effects on our sex life due to porn. We are both middle-aged and well-aligned in virtually every regard. He did not try to turn his porn problem back on me; he used it and he lied about it, but he at least didn’t try to tell me it was my fault.

He was drinking last night. A lot. He quit drinking in the fall because his functional alcoholism had started to have adverse effects on our relationship, especially in his attitudes and behaviors toward me. He stopped drinking voluntarily (his idea) until the new year. He told me a couple of weeks ago he was going to get a six-pack of beer, and I appreciated the heads-up. I was worried because he has trouble moderating, but I’m not his mother.

The first week Alex resumed drinking, it wasn’t a problem. He imbibed only on the weekend, not more than three beers daily. This past weekend, though, he went nuts, three six-packs and a bottle of wine over the weekend. Last night was a six-pack and a bottle of wine. I hated it. He was loud and obnoxious (not toward me, just loud drunk ranting and repeating himself). I didn’t dig the belligerence. He noticed my response. I told him kind of bluntly that I found his loud rambly pontificating unenjoyable, and I was going to bed.

I lay awake thinking I could have softened how I expressed my feelings. I didn’t like the way I felt after that conversation. I wanted to clear things up. I slipped on my robe, walked to the living room to talk with him, and stopped short.

There he was with a cum rag on the sofa beside him and what was clearly porn on his iPad. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. You probably know the feeling. He had earbuds in so I wouldn’t hear the blowjob video he was watching.

When he realized I was standing there, he flipped his iPad face down against his belly, hiding it. I called him out for watching porn. He summoned this, “I have no idea what you’re talking about” look, and when I asked him to open up his active windows, he opened a casual game he’s played for years, insistent that he was only playing his game. I said, “No, open that fucking Chrome window,” and there it was.

He knows how I feel about porn. He knows how I feel about lies. How I felt and what I wanted – needed – didn’t matter.

I was so incensed I was shaking. He apologized and I went off on him. I went outside to clear my head. Wanted to take a drive, wanted to be away from him. He followed me out, begging for a way to find “a path forward.” I told him he knew goddamn well the path forward, and he consciously chose to step off it. He tried to “poor me” himself, saying it was only one time in all these years. I called bullshit and said it didn’t matter if it was true because I knew he was willing to protect the porn at any cost; his word is worthless to me. He cried and begged as I sat in my car. I rolled up the window, told him, “Live with it,” and drove away to weep in an empty parking lot.

He slept on the sofa last night when I came back home. We didn’t talk until this morning, when he gave me an apology that felt sincere.

He said he wasn’t even horny; he was just drunk and bored. Had I walked out five minutes later, he said, he would have already closed the windows and been done with it. I’m not sure if he meant he’d have finished masturbating or if he’d have finished looking. Maybe it was just a bullshit line to appease me.

I had never understood, on the few occasions I’d noticed his porn usage, how he could spend so much time watching porn as if it were an episode of a TV show he was particularly into.

I’m a modern, progressive, sex-positive woman. I’ve watched porn before. For me, the process was always to find the video that would do the trick as quickly as possible and get down to business ASAP. The whole shebang usually took 10 minutes or less, and once I had finished, I felt no desire to linger over the porn. Most of the time when I masturbated, I used my imagination or focused on the physical sensations. Still, on the rare occasion I used porn or erotica myself, it was a brisk, if not exactly businesslike, experience.

My husband’s porn process was completely different from mine because he had an addiction to the dopamine hits he would get browsing porn for hours each day. He frequently used pornography to alleviate and avoid uncomfortable feelings like loneliness, boredom, anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression. This is why he “wasn’t even horny” while watching that blowjob video when I walked into the living room on d-day.

People who are addicted to pornography often use it as a way to combat uncomfortable feelings.

Back to my “cry for help” post:

I believe he’s sorry, though I’m not sure how much of it is regret that I caught him and am threatening to leave our marriage and how much is genuine sorrow for how his actions made me feel. Based on his past behaviors and attitudes toward me, I think it’s probably a mix of both.

It was both, but mostly he was sorry that I had caught him. It took months of hard work trying to build empathy for me before he cared as much about how his behaviors had impacted me, as he cared about getting caught out for lying to me for the entirety of our relationship.

Addicts often lack empathy. The good news is that anyone who desires to can cultivate greater empathy, compassion, and connection.

He has told me he will quit drinking; that’s a step, though it’s obviously not enough. I believe he’s genuinely contrite, and I think he wants to go forward in good faith.

The National Institutes on Drug Abuse has prepared a research report, “Common Comorbidities with Substance Use Disorders,” that explores the connection between addictions and mental health, positing that addictions and mental illness “often interact, affecting the course and prognosis of both.” This was certainly the case for Alex.

I am pleased to inform you that Alex has been in successful recovery for both alcohol and porn addiction for the last two years with hard work and accountability. I believe his stopping drinking has strongly supported his efforts to remain in recovery as a porn addict.

This morning, he made no excuses and took responsibility. Last night he was still lying to protect the porn with lies, even when he realized I was seriously considering leaving our marriage over this. He seems to have stopped lying or trickle-truthing me, but with all the lies he’s already told me, how can I know?

Again, I was wrong to think the lying had stopped. It took months for Alex to disclose everything to me. And even then, he experienced some blind spots; more lies came out even after he’d made a concerted effort to be more honest with me. He was so in the habit of lying to me that it was second nature, and it has taken a long time and a great deal of intentionality and effort on his part to overcome that impulse to lie to me, even about benign matters.

Even after two years of healing and effort to return to my center, I still sometimes struggle to believe Alex when something he says doesn’t pass my (sometimes hypervigilant) gut check. He was such a convincing liar, and sometimes his truths now look the same to me as his lies before. I continue to work on this within myself, and the passage of time helps, now that I see Alex’s words match his actions and attitudes more consistently.

I told him he should spend today figuring out how he wants to fix this. He is out of work right now and ostensibly spends his days looking for a job; he should be able to spend some time looking for a solution. I told him I would not do the work to look for the fix. I told him he now burdens me by either trusting his worthless word or being his keeper. I am not in a place right now to do the former, and I don’t want to do the latter.

The above was one thing I got right from the beginning: when your intimate partner has betrayed you by lying to you about their addiction, you, alone, cannot fix it. The onus is on them to take active steps to find a solution and activate recovery. You can be supportive if that’s a space you can inhabit comfortably while being true to yourself. But you cannot change your partner’s behavior or make them see your side.

You might think, “if only he knew how it makes me feel, wouldn’t that be enough to help him change?” The answer is often no, especially if he is deep into his addiction. Refer to the bit above regarding addicts and empathy.

You cannot control your partner or what actions they take. You can only control yourself and your actions. That is a big focus of this blog.

He says, and I believe, that he’s willing to do anything to rebuild my trust in him and save our relationship. I desperately want this; of course I do, though I recognize that love is not sufficient on its own. There must be respect and trust, and we have neither right now. I honestly don’t know what he can do to rebuild my confidence in our relationship.

Help me, please. I feel so broken, and I don’t know how to fix it.

How it’s going

I’m delighted to tell you that I am more confident in Alex’s and my relationship than I ever thought I could be after that heartbreaking mid-January d-day two years ago. He consistently shows up for me on the daily and has continually improved as he deepens his recovery and embraces the new life he’s working to create for himself – and for me, for us.

Alex has worked hard these last two years, but I have too. I am not broken! I am learning to love and respect myself in a way I never have. I enjoy my own company more than I ever knew I could. I prioritize myself in healthy ways. I honor my feelings and listen to my gut. I face my complicated feelings and sit with them, confident that I am resilient enough to weather any storm. I am more comfortable in myself than ever and often unbothered. moisturized. happy. in my lane. focused. flourishing.

This can be you, too!

What brought us here?

January 22, 2023 / Pamela Houston

What brought me here

Two years ago, I walked in on my husband watching pornography, years after he’d explicitly agreed not to use porn any more. I’d told him multiple times that his porn usage made me feel less-than; each time we talked about it, he agreed to stop using porn. The discovery that he’d been lying to me for the entirety of the time I’d known him was the most damaging thing.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to talk to. I felt lost and completely alone.

Obviously, I needed to do something different than simply telling him I didn’t want him to use porn and trusting that he would act on it; I had tried that multiple times, and he just got better at hiding it and lying about it. But I didn’t know what steps to take to improve how I felt about my husband or how to make myself feel better after this deep intimate betrayal.

I hit the ol’ Google to find DIY resources to help me deal with the fallout of my partner’s porn addiction, but so many of the resources I found focused on religion.

I appreciate and honor that a lot of people’s objections to porn use center around their faith and spirituality, and that many folks find religion comforting when they’re most troubled. But I am not religious – I’m an atheist – and I found it annoying and alienating to have to “eat around” religious-oriented content to find the help I needed to re-center myself and feel whole again.

I decided to be the change I wanted to see and create resources for the people who want to know how to begin healing from their intimate betrayal trauma but don’t want to work around religious references or reasoning. Anyone can use this guide, but it will focus on secular solutions for non-religious partners.

I have, for two years, walked the path of healing and re-centering from my husband’s betrayal of me, and I continue to gain insights that empower me to live my best life in the wake of one of the most challenging experiences I’ve ever had. I want to share my experience with you.

What brought you here?

Are you unhappy about your partner’s use of porn, but you’ve been called insecure, jealous, or controlling for feeling that way?
Have you been led to believe that your partner’s use of porn (and your unhappiness about it) is your problem, not his?
Have you ever wished you could just “be OK” with your partner’s porn use but haven’t been able to achieve that feeling?
Has your partner’s porn use escalated over time? Maybe you used to be OK with occasional porn use, but now he uses OnlyFans, Instagram, dating sites, or other more personal outlets that make you feel less-than. Or maybe he’s using it more than you had previously realized.
Is your partner’s porn use adversely affecting your sex life? Does he have trouble maintaining an erection during sex? Need porn to get or stay hard? Does he refuse sex with you but still masturbates to porn regularly? Does he treat you as if you are a masturbation tool, having disconnected sex with you that doesn’t feel fulfilling or intimate to you? Does he say porny things during partnered sex with you or try to recreate scenarios and positions you’re pretty sure he saw in porn?
Has your partner told you’re would stop using porn, but you’ve found out he never stopped, and has been lying to you about his use?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, you’re in the right place. You can’t change your partner’s relationship with porn, but you can change your responses to your partner, whether or not he is amenable to changing his habits and behaviors. You can feel empowered and whole. You can overcome the trauma of being partnered with someone who has an unhealthy relationship with porn.

The good news

Part of my vision for this blog is to share my learnings of the last two years and the discoveries and epiphanies I still experience as I actively work toward finding my most authentic, resilient center.

I thought I would never feel good or happy or whole or enough, ever again.

You know what? Most days, I do. I feel better and happier and more whole and enough than I ever have in my fifty years on this earth.

I want to share with you how I started moving through the betrayal trauma and stepped onto the path I am taking to feel better than I’ve felt my whole life. I want to hold your hand as you discover how to do this for yourself.

You cannot control or change your partner, but you can control and change yourself, which gives you immense freedom to pen your story from now on. You got this. I believe in you.

Ground rules for Secular and Centered

January 21, 2023 / Pamela Houston

Disclaimers

I am not a licensed psychologist, therapist, or other healthcare professional. My expertise comes from my lived experiences. What I share on secularandcentered.com does not replace the care of mental health professionals, and it represents my experiences and opinions.

Please note that I can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, and any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use, of the information available on Secular and Centered. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended this website.

Please note that I don’t make any guarantees about the results of the information applied in Secular and Centered. I share educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in re-centering your life after experiencing intimate betrayal trauma. You need to know that your ultimate success or failure will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond my knowledge and control.

You can take multiple paths

Much of what I share here includes my opinions about the best actions to take in the wake of discovering your partner has hidden a porn or sex addiction from you, but please know that the solutions I present are what have worked best for me. Your mileage may vary; what works for me may not work for you, and that’s OK. It is not my way or the highway. Please take and use the content that is pertinent, helpful and applicable for you, but know that you can mix and match tactics or find another path entirely that more closely aligns with your needs.

The language I use

Because my experience is with a male porn/sex addict, I usually frame my writing and opinions from the perspective of being a cis-hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with a cis-hetero man with a porn addiction. I will often use he/him to represent the PA (porn addict) and she/her to represent the BP (betrayed partner).

Any person of any sex, gender, sexual orientation or relationship status can develop a porn or sex addiction, or be impacted by their partner’s unhealthy relationship with porn. The pronouns I use here reflect my experience, but may not mirror yours. Please substitute the appropriate pronoun(s) if the pronouns I use do not fit your situation.

Attitudes

All persons are worthy of dignity and respect, without regard for their sex, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status or composition, mental health status, or career. While this blog is oriented to the partners of sex and porn addicts, it is an inclusive space.

I write posts with consideration of the dignity and compassion due all persons, including those who are struggling with addiction and the sex workers who produce content. When interacting with this blog, please keep this attitude in mind. Thank you!